Dead End....

I don't know why I keep typing these things, its not like i have a large fan base or anything of the sort, so maybe I will just use it in terms of a journal, for personal venting, and maybe to see the change in days, weeks, months to come....

So, for roughly a year now, I have been fighting finances...(yes I know, who isn't right?). but its one thing when you move from situation to situation trying to better yourself, and only end up in a worse if not the same result. I left my home town with no regret, to pursue a high education, a task in which a lot of my peers wither chose not too, or were unable due to whatever reason. I wanted to go to college, get a degree, and show not only myself, but my hometown that people are more than capable of becoming something other then what others say they will be.

I wanted to show that I could make my own way and not depend on anyone. (There is a difference between asking for help and depending on help, I have had to come to my parents more than once for help). For the most part, I have been surviving, but that's it....only surviving, I rarely get to "Get away" or "Do something for me" due to lack of finances, but don't get me wrong, I will take a weekend off and sleep the entire time or visit my son in a heart beat, but I constantly hear and see people around me going off and doing things they enjoy, like a shopping spree, or even a fishing trip, not to mention family visits and vacations. I haven't been on vacation in almost 3 years. The closest thing I got to a vacation was time I took off for the birth of my son who is now 8 months. I guess for some reason I thought having a degree in ANYTHING was going to guarantee an awsome job with awsome pay, but its almost the opposite, I mean having a job with the state at this point has great benefits, but with all the bullshit tax, Parking, and retirement they take out of my check, I barely get half my gross amount. Not to mention health insurance, its an awsome plan, but they charge out the ass....its ridiculous and unfair really...

I don't know exactly what to say here, I mean, I dunno, I want to get away at some point, just disappear for 2-3 weeks, go on vacation and leave my troubles behind, heck I would even settle for a couple of new wardrobes. Although that seems pointless in terms of not really having occasions to wear them, I mean, I don't have that many friends, so I don't go out and do things all that often, the only friends, really, that I have, I live with. Everyone else that I know, are either married, back in my hometown, or dead. Even so, those aren't really friends par-say but people of association. Who knows, maybe if I hang in there long enough things will turn around, but all that seems to happen is things get worse....Oh well, time to lay down and prepare for another day at the grind for shitty pay...

Distortion of Reality....

Okay so maybe this whole single parent/baby's mama drama thing was A lot more serious than I had originally anticipated. I was thinking that maybe I got off lucky with a girl who would NOT go crazy and throw court threats in my face and accuse me of being a bad father....and apparently I thought wrong.

So here is me just venting. For those ....and at this time....for the one who is following my posts - Marquis Dugger - Why is it that just because I have a job with the state this girl thinks I am made of money? I am not going to post figures but lets say that I make enough to cover bills including daycare....and that's it. When I try explaining this to the baby mama, she twists my words and accuses me of complaining? How does this work? She could not afford daycare at all, so I paid it full for an entire year, putting me in the red several times A MONTH, because I knew her situation and wanted to help the best I could. How does this turn into a complaint? When all I do is tell her what I made and what I can afford to keep my head above water. It seems that she is under the impression that I "Throw" my money away going downtown, or on dates with other females...take note, I have told her I do not want to be with her, and that we will never be together several times, so what does my personal life matter? (I haven't been on a date in almost 2 years).

So now she pulls my mother into this, telling her all what I "say" or "said". Every weekend its a ritual to clear my name with my own mother, not that she doesn't believe me but she knows that I confine in her and tell her the truth about situations. Not to mention that this girl is now talking to my mom about applying for child support? What the FUCK!? I mean granted that my mom works for child services, but really? This is OUR child, so things like child support and what not should be OUR issue, don't bring my mom in on this. All my mother is concerned about at this point is seeing her grandchild, and I hate it for her because she has to play the field with this girl in order to avoid her getting upset and preventing her from seeing her grandson.

So I sit here with my son playing behind me in his crib, and I can't help but wonder what hell his mother is going to put him through? Also, I wonder about what kind of CRAP she is going to fill his head with, will it be in the favor of him being angry at me, or upset with me, but I guess at this point all I can do is be with him when I can, and regardless whether he can understand me or not, I tell him that I love him, and that I will ALWAYS be here for him, and that I will be the best father I can be to him....and one day, he will understand why things are the way they are...

Relationship Chaos

Okay so,

Here within the past couple of weeks, it has been all about relationships, not with me, but with the people around me. It's like, I don't know how to explain it, but these people are seeking relationships so hard at times, they end up screwing themselves over, and make it even harder on themselves.

For example, one friend of mine decided to date a very close friend of theirs, (First red flag, if you have a friendship on this level for whatever period of time, and you haven't dated yet, that should be a sign.). Despite my opinion, blinded by the thought of having a relationship they pursued it. With a passion I might add. This friend of mine basically disappeared for the duration of the relationship, and when I do finally see him, he has this look in his eye of just utter depression. I can't help but think....did I not advise against this?

Another friend of mine, is so bent on being in a relationship....he is afraid to commit to one. How does that work? One minute he has women blowing up his phone, and he is out every other day with someone new, and now he talks about throwing in the towel from relationships? C'mon, are you serious? I don't know what to say or think anymore, I mean, I am far from perfect, but I don't see the reason for having such a push towards it. Maybe its due to the fact I just got out of a four year relationship that ended with the birth of my son, maybe I got so accustomed to having someone in my life i have yet to realize what a big part the companionship plays.....

First fathers day

A quick spot on how my first fathers day weekend was. If you did not know already I am a proud father of a beautiful, blonde hair, blue eyed baby boy of 7 months and yesterday was my first fathers day with me being an actual father and not just a son this year. The weekend started off nice, Friday, I came home, picked up my son. Me, my parents, and his mother all just sat around and talked for a bit. Saturday was a little more eventful, we decided to go to Anderson S.C. for a lunch and maybe meet up with my father who currently lives in S.C. to wish him a happy fathers day and a chance to see his grandson.

After I called several times he did not pick up so I was beginning to worry. (If you don't know already, he just recently had his leg amputated for purposes That I will explain in another blog.). So, I called my step mother to find out what is going on only to be informed that he was abusing his pain medication and is now in the hospital being put under several tests to find out if it was really the medication or something else. Later I was informed that he was alright and was awaiting lab results that later determined that it was his medication, he somehow took more than he needed to and made himself sick. After running whatever errands I needed to we headed back home. We arrived just in time to watch the storm roll in, and put our power out. After about 10 mins we all gathered in the den just to talk and entertain ourselves until the power was restored.

Being as playful as my son is, he occasionally loves to lung himself back while sitting on our laps. He did this when we were least expecting him too causing his mother to grab him by the arms in order to keep him from hitting the floor. When she did this we heard a loud "pop" and he began to cry. with him crying this much we decided to take him to the emergency room, where we waited two and a half hours to see a Dr. When we were seen, he said it was a case of "Nurse maids elbow, which means a ligament in his arm rolled over his elbow joint". He grabbed my sons arm, bent it up. Following another pop of his arm he began to cry again and then suddenly stopped and began to play with his toys.

so all in all it was a fathers day to remember....thats for sure ha ha.

Wacky Dream 1 (2007)

This is a dream that happened to me about mid 2007, back when I was highly involved with church, I was a "Youth advisor/ leader" of our church's youth group which at the time was exceeding tremendously with our outreach programs, and church events designed specifically for the younger generation. Only, as everyone knows there are always two sides to a coin. While all these wonderful things were happening there was also A LOT of turmoil within our own church. Only a year had gone by since our church and another church merged and things were already tearing apart from the inside.

Basically I was following a pastor who was finding it hard to find a church to call home, his passion felt sermons were the kind that made the "big wigs" of the church sweat, and they did not like that at all. This was not the first time it has happened, two churches ago they try to literally starve him and his family out of the house they provided for them. Before I take this any further, I will save this ran for another day, so back to the dream. The church I was currently at, had their own "Board" in which they made decisions that they felt best for the church. One of these decisions was to vote out the pastor, the only thing is, they did not let him know about several "secret" meetings they were having. (Pretty sad when you have meetings without the one who is supposed to look after the church as a whole). These meetings he later found out had the attendance of several of his "friends" in the church.

Now reading all this I am sure you can imagine how hurtful it would be to be put through something of this nature. Strangely enough although, I actually had a dream two months before all of this happened, that I think could have been taken as a warning, unfortunately with all the stress and worries of the prequel of the events described above, he could not find the time to listen to me, and although this even could not be avoided, maybe this dream would have at least prepared him for the final blow.

I was standing in my Ex-girlfriends house (the Ex is actually the pastors daughter) starring at my house directly across the street when I heard the phone ring, it was next to me on a table, so I picked it up.

Unknown voice : Hello?

Me : Hello?

Unknown voice : Oh Good, Your home. I'll be right over. (Click)

So I hung the phone up, and continued to look at my house that was across the street, I then saw a tall black figure (not African American, but black like a shadow) with a long trench coat start to walk up my driveway towards the house I was currently at. Before I could tell anybody I heard the doorbell ring. I again looked out the window and this figure was already at the front door. At this point I could tell by the body build that he favored a man more than a woman, and on his coat, as clear as day, I saw a symbol in blood red, it was a cross within a circle. (Upon research after I woke, I came to find out that the symbol I saw, was the symbol of the occult. http://www.search.com/reference/Sun_cross). I opened the door to be in the polite gesture but noticed that he had no face, in terms of face period, not that he had a head with no nose, ears, or eyes, but it entire face was immersed in darkness, and it never felt the light. Not knowing where the others were at the time I stayed in the room, to keep him company and began conversation with me.

Man : I noticed your cross necklace, I take it your a believer of Christ?

Me: Yes I am.

Man: Do you believe he loves you?

Me: Yes I do, with all my heart.

Man: Then, if you believe that he loves you so much, why did he leave you behind?

Me: What do you mean?

As I said this, my Ex's little bother came through the room holding his jaw saying : Hold on a minute James, we all have a toothache, we will be out as soon as we get some medicine.

Then he proceeded through the room and disappeared. As soon as he left the man turned to me.

Man: I can tell your faith is strong

Me : What do you mean.

Man: You did not fall victim to my curse, but let me show you MY power.

As he said this he pulled out a small wooden box that have all kind of markings and carvings on it. He opened the box so it was facing open towards me, and in the box were several small black marbles. He put his other hand over the box and began making a circular motion. As he did this the marbles began to move the way his hand was moving, only they began to levitate and take the form of a small tornado. I could not help but stand there in shock and awe. Once he finished he closed the box and put it up.

Man: Are you impressed?

Me: Yes, but I know who my lord and savior is, and His power is greater than yours.

Man: Indeed

He began walking towards the couch in which my Ex's parents (the pastor and his wife) were now sitting. He sat next to them and looked at me again, and pointed to my sketch book.

Man: Is that yours?

Me: Yes

Man: May I look at it.

Me: Sure

Man: These are pretty good, but let me show you something.

He proceeded to draw in my book, and in what seemed under a minute, he showed me the sketch. It was a drawing of the pastors house in FULL detail, I mean down to every leaf on the bushes outside.

Me: Wow, that's really good, you should be an artist.

Man: I thought about it, but I decided it was not for me, but know this, I pay attention to EVERY detail, I know everything that goes on.

At this point I began to realize who this man was, and I was beginning to understand who this man was, I looked outside and saw that the sky was becoming pitch black, so I ran outside, knelt in the middle of the yard and began to pray as hard as I could, I could then feel, One single beam of light surround me in darkness, and just as the man began to leave the house.....I woke up.

When I sit and think about this dream, I actually wonder if this was a warning of some sort or something else. One thing is for sure I will never, and I mean, NEVER....forget this dream.